Negativities of a Chronically Vulgar Girl

 

Biggest Jet Li fan now.

I'm so obsessed, it's a bit embarrassing.

When Mandy said she wanted to watch The Warlords, I was like, ok, I don't mind Takeshi Kaneshiro.

After the movie, while everybody else were gushing over Andy Lau (but he's got botoxed cheeks!) and Takeshi Kaneshiro, I was the odd one out who blurted how "man" Jet Li was from the back of the car. Doh.

Since then, I've watched The Warlords twice.

I raided TS and bought the vcds for Fearless and Rogue Assassin, both of which I've watched twice. Erm, in two days.

I dug out the pirated Cradle 2 the Grave vcd I nicked off Justin back in Perth.

I scanned the tv guide for Starhub Channel 62 this entire long weekend for any old Jet Li martial arts movies, but the only one I got was on Channel 8 for Kung Fu Cult Master.

Next up, I might just be searching for Romeo Must Die, Kiss of the Dragon and The One.

Jet Li is so cool.

Oh my gawd, I'm crazy.

Finally.

I have a weekend to myself to recover from a leaking nose and rusty throat. 

I took a half-day leave on a whim yesterday to shop alone in Orchard. 

Bumped into an old friend of 18 years at the most unexpected road junction. It was a crossing that I have never taken before, preferring to walk through the underpass each time instead. It was a good thing I did, or I would never have found out about the terrible thing that had befallen him. I went home and told my mom, who told my dad, and we are silently mourning for his loss even till now.

Anyway.

I got locked out of Livejournal. Imagine that!

So anyway, my posts are long overdue. But heck, better now than never at all.
***
Mandy makes such a great Hen. 

Dirty-minded, boisterous and an ultra great sport. Love her!

We started off with dinner at Hooters. No one knew who decided on Hooters, but I suppose some of us secretly meant to ogle at the Hooters girls while the rest of us fully intended to pass catty remarks on how fat that thigh is. I mean, I was the one who said to meet at Hooters (because that place is one big bloody orange, who can possibly miss it?) and Mandy replied "OK!", and nobody said, "Eeeks Hooters!". And... Yeah. Hooters it was.



Gotham Penthouse. 
Gosh I'm so obsessed with that place!




Mandy and Karen went off to smoke, leaving Sze Hwei and I to man the drinks. That's when we grabbed a waiter and asked if we needed to pay one of the dancers to do a lap dance on our Hen. $50! I was like, so bloody cheap! Ok! Ain't showin' no raunchy photos here, but here's one to whet your appetite. Gosh, I thought my sides were going to splinter with all those guffaws during the "performance". 

[Pre-takeoff Announcement on a China Southern Airlines Flight]

This is a true account of what was heard on a recent flight from Shenzhen to Qingtao by China Southern Airlines:

"Good afternoon, Ladies and the German. This is your cheap purser Wang Lui speaking. On behalf of China Sudden Airlines, I would like to welcome you on board our Bowling 737 from Shenzhen to Qingtao. Members of my crew speak Chinese and other languages that you do not know. It is a great pressure serving you to-die. Should you need any resistance during the fright, peace do pest the call button. I and my gals are available to make you feel comfortable. Meanwhile, the airkwaft is going to fry. Peace sit upright and keep you belt tightly fastened until dinner is served at five dirty p.m. Hope you would enjoy your fright with us. Funk kill."

One night, I learnt two very interesting theories.

Theory One
Me: "Wah Joan, your hair's damn long."
Joan: "Why? Is that a bad thing?"
Me: "No, but won't your hair keep dropping? Cos my basket's full of mine."
Joan: "Yeah, that's because we use hard water here."
Me: "Hard water??? What's that? You mean there's soft water?"
Joan: Yeah, because the water here's drinkable.
(Joan's from the Philippines)
Me: "Har? You mean the chlorine they add in our water and all the shit and urine that make up Newater?"
Joan: "Yeah, it's harsh and bad for the hair." 

Moral of the story: Singapore has hard water that make our hair drop. Don't bathe too long.

Theory Two
Me: "Eh you know ah, when I was at the Perth airport, I saw this weighing scale for the luggage. So I stood on it and weighed myself. Shit, I thought I gained two kg in 10 days! But when I reached home and weighed again, I was the same weight as before. The stupid machine must be spoilt ah. Oh and did you know, when I first went over to Perth at 19, I was 39kg. By the end of first year, I was 47kg! I think it was all the tim tams I was eating."
Gim Shin (frowning): "My friend told me that in cold countries, your body turns the food you eat into fats to keep you warm."
Me: "Huh are you serious? Then what about people who eat very little?"
Gim Shin: "Yah, really. Then whatever they eat become fats lor. My friend's doctor told him that."
Me: "Ah, your friend's doctor come from where one?"
Gim Shin: "From London. So maybe that's why you gained weight."
Me: "Oh good, that means it wasn't the tim tams I ate!"

Moral of the story: People from cold countries are fat.

Date:	Sat, 25 Aug 2007 10:51:47 +0700
To:	"MS. JIAYI Ma" <jiayi1982@yahoo.com.sg>
Subject:	AsiaRooms.com : Criterion in Perth, Australia [reservation #30027404]
From:	"AsiaRooms.com" <no-reply@secure-paiement-reservation.com>  Add to Address Book

Part II

It's a bit long, but can be funny too.

Coming back, I wish I was in Perth again.

Three more days to Perth!

All in all, a really good day yesterday, barring the fact that I had to work of course. Which, obviously sucked.

Fantastic dinner with great company, followed by a massage and finishing off with a chill-out session in a jazz pub. What more can I say?

It was Jenn who came up with the crazy idea of two skinny fries like us having Korean steamboat. Totally nuts.

As I was saying to Joan, "My friend is so funny! She's researching on the net now for the best Korean barbeque steamboat around!"

At East Coast, waiting for the Korean Lover to come down from Jurong East!


It was too bad we only had one more person to split the dinner bill with us. The Air Stewardess was probably hovering over some place exotic, intoning the message of chicken or beef. The Pilot had a wedding dinner to go to and the Chef was celebrating his anniversary with the girlfriend that night. 

At the Korean charcoal barbeque place in East Coast (I forget the name)

Ooh, look at me slurp up the bubbling hot bowl of kim chee soup!

Beef... Glorious beef...



Look at the sweetheart dessert they gave us. Totally adorable.


Bloody dinner cost $50 each and that's only because Korean Lover absorbed the additional $4+.

The verdict? I'll come back only if I don't have to pay.

Haw haw, I am such a cheapskate.

We then headed down for Chinatown because Jenn's dad has a massage parlour there (clean one!) and my shoulders have been giving me the biggest problems for the longest time.

Look what we had for a treat on our way there!

Fireworks! My favourite!

My first massage was the most painful experience of my life. Boo hoo. And I have the purplish bruises to prove it. Whoever said massages were therapeutic ought to have their heads examined. Either that or they have a bionic threshold for pain. The lady said my muscles were very tense and proceeded to rub harder and harder and harder. I could see her feet lifted in the air as she used her body weight to press down on my back.  This, coming from someone who looks almost two times my weight. She could even say to me, "Heng tong hor? (very painful hor?)" Dey! Of course pain lah! Pain until I wanted to cry leh!

Jenn's dad massaged my shoulders a bit and diagnosed my condition as"quite serious" because I always "sit in front of the computer". Gah! Another iron-clad reason not to work. Tee hee.

Despite the pain, it was good though. For one, my shoulders don't feel that knotted up, although my muscles are aching like mad. I'll probably do it again.

After a fantastic dinner and a nerve-wrecking massage, we thought it'd be nice to wind down at the jazz pub in Boat Quay. 


Basket, that Korean Lover was going, "Say cheese, lesbians!" as he took this photo for us. Stupid. I Had my usual Guvner's Smile, but wished I had the guts to order the strawberry margherita though. I've like become a teetotaller since I came back to Singapore. The smallest drop of liquor makes me want to puke. Gah!

That makes three classmates with a wedding band around their finger. Hell. one of them's already saddled with two kids!

Hermes is nay impossible to photograph. He hardly stays still, unless you are stroking him to sleep. 

Just as you try to capture that priceless moment of him philosophising quietly in the corner, he'd pounce on you and lick the lens.

Like this.

I can't eat.

Yesterday, all I had was a zinger burger but even so, I had to force it past my throat.

And then, as I sat in my isolated corner in the office, I started crying silently.

So, I thought it'd be cool to drive to Odeon Towers for dinner with Cherilyn... but wah lau I think I aged 20 years trying to find my way there! Gah!

Getting onto the ECP was bad enough without me itching to bash quite a few dicks into some heads since these phallic-faced men think they're so fast and furious that the whole world must give way to them!

Cheebye, this lamer of a Mitsubishi Lancer actually dared to cut into my lane without signalling, forcing me to jam brake and BOR BOR at him! I don't ever honk, you know. Fucking hell, my (dad's) car is so much bigger and more expensive than yours, and you bloody tried to take my lane when your stupid spoiler was length to length with my headlight! Pui! Stupid blind bat.

Then, I got off the ECP but wasn't sure which way to turn, so I kept to the right... Until I found myself almost turning back into the ECP again! Arrrgh! There was the option to U-turn, but the road was so jammed and the car was so big that if I turned, I'd be in the second lane. So naturally must wait for the lights to change before the cars in front would move and I can turn the car without buanging other vehicles right? But no, the lan jiaos behind couldn't wait and yours truly very proudly orchestrated a cacophony of honks and beeps that could be heard from Bugis Junction! Fwah lau, so humiliating.

Finally, I found the turning into Odeon Towers. There was a lovely blue sign that said "parking" and an arrow marked left, so I turned into the first gap I saw. Ta ma de! It was the garbage dump! The car park was further down the road. Stupid.

Now, I'm really paranoid when it comes to locking the car because I almost always forget to do it. Most of the time, I'd lock the car and walk off, only to hurry back to the car park five minutes later because I couldn't remember if I pressed the correct button on the remote. Which was what I did before heading to Hanabi. And then, I nearly died of a heart attack when I saw the nasty white scratches on the passenger seat's door. Oh god, it was like some giant witch had run her claws viciouslyagainst the door. There was even a dent to top it all off.

Then, I did about the dumbest thing in the world. All hail Her Royal Bimboness!

I grabbed a cloth from the boot and tried to wipe the scratches off.

Trembling really badly, I called my dad and was almost crying when I said,"Pa, I tell you something ok... sob sob... but you cannot tell mommy."

"GOT INTO TROUBLE ALREADY, RIGHT?", my dad said.

"Your car's really scratched and I don't know how that happened... sob... I don't remember hitting anything. I only mounted a curb! sob!"

"Oh that. I did it one."

WAH HENG MAN! IT WASN'T MY FAULT! PHEW!

Tee hee.

And if you thought all this was bad...

To end off the madcap adventure, I found myself tottering up and down the Esplanade carpark for over ten minutes... All because I hadn't paid attention to where I parked! 

Gah! 

Don't ask me how they got themselves in such a state.

I came out of the bathroom, only to find Snuffles struggling blindly inside the quilt cover and Hermes had somehow wedged his head and a paw through this incredibly small hole. I had to rescue Snuffles before he asphyxiated, but I couldn't squeeze Hermes out without breaking his bones. Along came Mr Scissors and a perfectly good quilt cover was ripped apart to get him out.

*shakes head*

I'm sad.

But I keep having to psyche myself up for work that I forgot to cry.

You know you haven't mastered the skill of Ambigram when the word makes more sense upside down. Do you think it looks good enough to draw blood on my skin? 



or


niki

Me mam got Hermes a new top.

But geez, what a bad birthday he's had. 

I've been up since 9 this morning cleaning up his lao sai and puke. My bed smells like shit and my pillow's soaked in virgin urine. When I got home at 2 am yesterday, he regurgitated his entire dinner course onto my mom's impeccably clean marble flooring. It was a neat rectangle of dry dog food pellets and mashed Caesar's. I guessed he must have had dinner at six. Imagine all that food lying indigested in his stomach for the last eight hours! My poor boy.

Everybody's blaming the cake I got him. But hey, it wasn't some confectionary product meant for human consumption. It's special doggy cake bought from the US Dog Bakery. Approved by AVA too. Funny thing was, Snuffles gobbled up three quarters of the cake (yeah, he snatched it off his own son. Think he reckoned it was his birthday instead.), but he's perfectly fine. As lazy and greedy as ever. Oh well, off to the vet Hermes goes at 5pm later.

Happy Birthday Hermes!








Oh, I love this last picture. Snuffles looks positively deranged! *chortles*